Indulger's remorse

Ok, we're having fun here right?

Notsomuch.  I knew it was going to be difficult to make up my overintake on calories this weekend.  And I AM being very careful for the rest of the week.

What I didn't expect was the freaking GUILT!  I was ok with it when I decided and I went in knowing what I was doing and was going to have to do to get back on track.  Now, I'm like that country song: "it started off Hey cutie, where are you from, and it turned into oh, no what have I done?"

I'm at the oh, no what have I done stage... ugh!  WTF was I thinking?  I know mr scale is not going to be overly kind two weeks in a row.

I only have 2 lbs to go till my next goal.  sigh.  I'll have to wait another couple of weeks, that's all.  It's not the end of the world right?  RIGHT??

Yes, it is not the end of the world, and it was very eye-opening for me to realize that a weekend of overindulgence was really my previous norm.  So, lesson learned, life lived and I'm back on track.

Now, move over Michael Jackson, I've got some calories to burn...
I feel...

BAD!

Being Bad... in a different way.

Sooo... confession time.

I took the weekend off. I ate some really, truly bad stuff and I know I'll pay for it.

Friday night: chili (homemade, but added sour cream and a little cheese)
Salad - ranch yogurt dressing
girl scout mint cookies and milk

Saturday:
1 whole bagel (butter, not cream cheese)
2 pickled eggs
McDonald's shamrock shake
Guacamole (homemade) with organic corn chips (not baked)
Souvlaki (homemade with lamb, no feta and homemade tzatzki sauce, lots of lettuce)
Wegman's white cake (1 piece minus most of the frosting)
more girl scout cookies and milk

Sunday:
Scrambled Eggs (yes with the yolk, and made with cream)
Bacon
reduced fat cinnamon roll (out of a package, how embarrassing)
green beans (liberally sprinkled with macadamia oil)
sauteed mushrooms (in butter and marsala)
potato salad (homemade, not too much mayo)
the biggest, juciest honkin' man burger ever made on a flat top griddle
and yes, more girl scout cookies with milk.

Oh... am I going to pay....

But you know, I knew what I was doing this time.  I knew I was going over my fat and calorie intake
for a total of 3 day intake of over 5500 calories!!! Yikes... well, it's not as bad as it sounds, I was only around 1000 total calories over my normal alottment.

The other difference (besides being aware of just how bad I was being) is that I know I've got to work extra hard to keep from a gain this week.  I'm only 2 lbs off from another goal soo, it's back to yogurt and lean meats and veggies again.

I hate having to work harder, but ohhhh... such fun on a weekend off!!

5 weeks in...a family affair

Even after PMSing and downing about 3 servings of GS thin mint cookies the other night (I was good the rest of the day), the scale was kind.

Down 2 lbs!   Thank you! Thank you!!  *bows, waving her new Michael Jackson glove*

Another surprise, my darling daughter, who is overweight too (big surprise there, right?) also lost a pound this week, and probably one last week.  So, since her last weigh in two weeks ago, she's down 2lbs as well!  It was a good morning in our house, let me tell you! (Why am I hearing this in Rick Moranis' voice from Ghost Busters?)

Her goal is to be able to comfortably wear a bikini when she gets into high school.  Since she's in 7th grade, that is a goal that is absolutely acheivable.  The bigger victory is that she's learning to be aware of what and when she eats.  While seeing the scale show progress, I think this other type of progress is even more rewarding! 

Here's an example that made me puff my feathers: I asked her the other day, "how much is a serving?" as she was sitting down with one of her after-school snacks.  She immediately rattled off, "don't worry, I already checked, a serving is 4 but since I'm not super hungry I'm only going to have 3 and since 4 is 130 calories I'm doing good I'll still be able to have something else later if I want." Now, on the flip side of that, there are times when one of us will just say, "I really want this."  but then are careful about the rest of our choices for the week.

And truly, I'm not afraid of her becoming anorexic.  She's like her mother.  The desire to be at a healthier weight is there, but the desire for good tasting food is also strong.  I'm just so pleased she's learning awareness.  It will make it easier for both of us if, when she's a teen if any eating disorders ever do rear their heads, since talking about health and food is common ground and she knows we're all about helping each other be healthy.

I think for me, this morning was a really big shot in the arm.  2lbs down, 3 to go till I reach my next goal.  I also suddenly realized that I'm not thinking the way I used to..."by August, I want to be 30 lbs lighter".  I do want to be 30 lbs lighter, but I'm not looking at it that way.  I know that as I continue to eat healthier and move more, the weight will come off.  When it does isn't as big a deal as the fact that what I'm doing is better for my body.  and my daughter.  The weigh-ins are really just to measure progress and make sure we're keeping on track. Every 5 lbs for me is a step toward better health - and a new wardrobe, minus the fat suit!

With that, another $10 in the clothing fund!  I'm thinking I might have to get the daughter started on a clothing fund too, to save for that bikini.  (Just don't tell her dad! ;-) )

Why does being bad feel so good?

Ok, been quiet for a while.  Work's been busy, home's been busy... isn't that just how life goes, it ebbs and flows (sounds like lyrics from a song).

So, what have I been up to?  Well, the *($#& who stole our wii has not returned it, so I bought another one.  I like this one better, since I have no history on it and can finally use my ninja-like skills to catch up or beat my daughter and hubby at wii resort.  Well, probably not, but hey, everyone needs a dream.

Whilst purchasing new wii, I decided that I must also avail myself of the "buy one, get one 1/2 off" sale on just dance videos, since I needed to replace the original "just dance" that was in the wii when it went for a permanent vacation from our home.

"just dance" 1 in hand, looking around to see which other version to get... disney? no blankety-blank way.  Hubby would have to hide the guns because it wouldn't be long before I had a psychotic episode and went postal on the TV, neighbors and whatever else got within 1 mile of me.

kids version - nope.  We'd have to hide the guns from my daughter.  12 year olds have no interest in anything labeled "kids".

summer party?  hmmm... it has possibilities, I like the songs, but I have a feeling that it would be too much of a blow to my fragile ego to watch a summer party and think to myself, "here's the beached whale coming to the show."

So... that leaves... OMG, do I dare? MICHAEL JACKSON!!! 

Yes. I dare.  I went there.  That was Friday.  It's taken me this long to work up the nerve to open it and try it out.

The results? More crotch grabbing then a redneck family reuinion in the heat of the summer with everyone dressed in hunting camo.  Other than that, not too bad.  Incidentally, my husband came home just as daughter and I were about to start, so we waited a bit and made him join in the fun.

The sonofagun beat us at quite a few of the songs (which he somehow managed to get through without grabbing his crotch once and still get perfect scores).

I managed to "win" a few songs myself.  Bad (what does that say about me?) Black and white, and I ALMOST won on thriller.

All in all, a good time was had by all, even if we were sweaty, stinky and exhausted at the end of the hour.  But it flew by, and we all managed to burn a few calories whilst laughing and giggling.

not too bad for a family night at home.  BTW, do you think that our escapades last night might have something to do with my eye twitching this morning?

It's friday again.

It's been a crazy week, and an emotional roller coaster in so many ways.  I'll type more tomorrow, but for now, Weigh in was better than last week, lost the gain.

I learned I'm not the only one struggling and even the experts can go through some frustration.

It's a journey.  I'm walking.  (figuratively and literally).

And will the *(^&*% who stole our wii please take a long drive off a short pier?

Well, that sucked!

C'est la vie, right?  That's the way life goes.
Weigh in: I was so excited because I'd been keeping under my calories all week (except the weekend) and have done more exercise and drank more water in a week than I have in years.
And what do I have to show for it? a Freaking GAIN!  WTF?! And I had been so excited to see the results of my work, I almost cried.  Almost being the operative word.

I feel like I'd been working with a paint by numbers and I finally got to add the last color that makes it all come together, and when I did, it looked like crap.

While it was a disappointment for me, I overcame the initial shock and started making plans.  I will do more walking this week.  I will eat better.  I will smile, and push through this.

This gain is actually a good thing - I wanted to start with baby steps, and I did.  I followed through and am doing the things I said I would in the beginning.   I think in the back of my head I was expecting the baby steps to be enough.  They're not. And now it's time to start taking big-girl steps. I still have to limit the activity to walking and "non-dangerous-to-the-still-sprained-ankle" movement.  But, aside from that: It's time to up the ante.

The really interesting thing about this time around is my attitude and actions.  In the past, I would have focused on the negative for much longer, felt much sorrier for myself and probably just said "the hell with it".  This time around it's different.  I'm different.

I've noticed other significant changes in me besides physical. I'm much more likely to follow through - this blog for instance, there's no way I would have kept it up in the past. And I took the initiative to sign up the hairy beast (dog not husband) for obedience training. Something we'd talked about but never got the gumption to do. So the change isn't just dietary, and perhaps that's why I don't feel so bad - I am changing and in good ways. Just not how I'd expected or hoped to change.

While I still feel like I goofed up, the reality is, I just need to change the plan a little more.  THIS time, I will not give up.  I feel like there are too many people counting on me - and this time, I will follow through till I've reached my goal: I want to be healthier, I want to walk into a regular store and pick out something sexy, and probably most of all I want to be able to run (without getting black eyes).  Those are MY goals.  Not something anyone else has chosen for me, not something I am doing for anyone else.  It is about me. And for once, that's ok.

And to all those who are on my team supporting me, laughing with me and crying with me, thank you.  You keep me going.

Almost Week 3

Tomorrow will be weigh-in #3.  To be honest, when I started on this journey, I didn't think I'd make it even this long.

I've tried losing weight before, but never with the idea of ditching the fat suit.  In my previous attempts it was always with the idea of losing some weight for an event, or so I could fit into a dress I liked or some other nonsense.  While for many people those ideals can be good motivators, they don't work for me.  You think I would have learned after 20 years.

This time, while I may not be doing it perfectly, I am doing it right. for me.  Nobody else can take this journey for me.  I have to keep myself on track, and remember the true motivation - to let the real me out of this damn fat suit.

I still wish I could zip it off and be done with it.  But... I know deep within that this journey is life-changing.  It's the journey, not the destination, as they say.

Some things I've learned on the journey so far:

1. NEVER, EVER eat carbs in the morning.  I used to be able to and not have a problem, but I am no longer that 20-something who can survive on Dr. Pepper and giant oreos.

2. Water is not intrinsically evil. (THAT was a surprise to me)

3. Dancing with my daughter not only burns calories but helps us grow closer together.

4. Pride is BS.  I'm the only one who gives a crap about what I look like - and anyone who looks at me sideways for doing something silly can bite me!

5. Friends are essential.  I've always been a "watcher" or "loner", never quite fitting in with any particular crowd.  I love being alone - I'm not lonely, really.   But what I learned is that others can help motivate me, keep me going as it were. 

6. Responsibility is a wonderful motivator.  I have friends who are trying to walk this journey with me, some on the internet, some in real life, and I feel as if I were to fail, I will be failing in my responsibility to them.  (We all hold each others hands on this and if I break the link, they don't get what they need)

And tomorrow whether the scale tells me I lost anything or not - I'm still happy.  I've learned so much, and I feel so much better.  And no matter how long it takes me and how many lessons I need to learn yet, this @%%^$ fat suit is coming off! period.

And yes, My friend, even shamans have to work through their own personal issues.  To be human is a delight and a challenge for all of us - if anything this journey has taught me just how level the playing ground really is. 

The reality of who we are is only hidden by the image of who we think we should be.

Lesson learned

NEVER eat carbs for breakfast!  Yesterday I was an eating machine.  I was fighting harder yesterday to stick with my better eating habits than ever.  I think I ate more carrots than an entire warren of Benjamin Bunnies in an effort to satisfy the raging hunger monster who had taken up residence in my belly.

Got home, walked dog and daughter for almost an hour and....still hungry... who knew that that little start to the morning was going to determine the whole day?  Well, I knew in my head, I guess I just didn't believe it.

Well, I can say, "I'm a believer".  This morning was yogurt and today was waaay easier to stay on track.  We'll be taking the smart approach from now on.  I don't need to give myself more challenge than I'm already going through.

Yay!  I learned something and survived to tell the tale.