Well, last week was challenging. I'm going to have to learn how to deal with real life and still keep on track.
My favorite uncle and aunt came down to visit and we had a crazy week because of it - good, but crazy. So, now I'm playing catch-up.
Catchup on drinking water
Catchup on cutting back on sugar
Catchup on eating my veggies
Catchup on walking
and I don't even like catchup! Well, I do, but only on meatloaf and macaroni and cheese, and cheeseburgers and french fries... STOP IT brain!
At any rate I am catching up. Been drinking the water - we're now at 1 glass of tea in the morning and the rest water until I get home. Had all my servings of veggies yesterday. Not so good on the sugar cutting back, but I'll get there...
AND Daughter and I did an hour and a half "just dance" last night. The neighbor came over to drop off the mail that the mailman had delivered to her house by mistake - and left with a big grin on her face. So glad we could brighten her day. What you need to know is that our new addition is almost entirely windows - she was getting quite the show on the way over (it's amazing how many of those dances have you jiggling your personals). Oh well. Pride goeth before a fall and I'm not about to fall off this wagon. nosiree.
I'll get there, and I know it will be worth it, but sheesh this is wearing on me. If it weren't for friends and my FB support folks, I'd have given up last week. But I can't let them or me down... besides, I am NOT going to become diabetic and hypertensive like my parents! And I need to teach my daughter how to make good choices... so there you are. I am. Determined... and slightly embarrassed.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Week two...down. Week 3 begins
Well, at least next week is another week!
After a crazy week of work and cleaning in preparation for my Uncle's visit, I'm pooped. And for some weird reason, my cheeks are pink - I look like I got into some red wine, but I didn't.
Dinner wasn't as good as I hoped. The dang chicken and root veggies took a LOT longer to cook than they should have, so we ate late; and the veggies were still a little on the firm side. Pooh! I'm the type to obsess about such things, wonder what they said in the car on the way back, fear they'll never come again type. What I need to do is get over myself. We had a great time talking and laughing and eating. So what if dinner sucked. Beeee the honeybadger...
So enough stalling... I only lost 1/2 lb. But I didn't gain, and I expected a smaller number. A whole number would have been nicer, but hopefully this is the kick in the ass to remind me not to mess around.
Time is not my friend here - I cannot procrastinate on this. This challenge and journey I'm on is one of those things that if I put off the exercise or water-drinking for another day, I lose out and don't get that day back. THAT is going to be the hard part. I am a WORLD -Class procrastinator. Especially on tasks that either a. don't have my passion, or b. might be a little on the challenging side.
Yup, I'm a wuss. chicken. namby-pamby. I hate challenges. And yes, I fight chronic laziness. I'm sure there are shrinks out there who will find a reason for this behavior and will tell me that once I can name it, I can feel better about it. But see, for me, I'd use that knowlege to find excuses. So, I will be motivated by my friends and family who want to see me succeed at this and are depending on me for inspiration and encouragement. Pooh on fear!
Oh, and I've decided that as a family we will eat dinner earlier - every little bit helps. Now back to crunching on my raw cauliflower and broccoli.
After a crazy week of work and cleaning in preparation for my Uncle's visit, I'm pooped. And for some weird reason, my cheeks are pink - I look like I got into some red wine, but I didn't.
Dinner wasn't as good as I hoped. The dang chicken and root veggies took a LOT longer to cook than they should have, so we ate late; and the veggies were still a little on the firm side. Pooh! I'm the type to obsess about such things, wonder what they said in the car on the way back, fear they'll never come again type. What I need to do is get over myself. We had a great time talking and laughing and eating. So what if dinner sucked. Beeee the honeybadger...
So enough stalling... I only lost 1/2 lb. But I didn't gain, and I expected a smaller number. A whole number would have been nicer, but hopefully this is the kick in the ass to remind me not to mess around.
Time is not my friend here - I cannot procrastinate on this. This challenge and journey I'm on is one of those things that if I put off the exercise or water-drinking for another day, I lose out and don't get that day back. THAT is going to be the hard part. I am a WORLD -Class procrastinator. Especially on tasks that either a. don't have my passion, or b. might be a little on the challenging side.
Yup, I'm a wuss. chicken. namby-pamby. I hate challenges. And yes, I fight chronic laziness. I'm sure there are shrinks out there who will find a reason for this behavior and will tell me that once I can name it, I can feel better about it. But see, for me, I'd use that knowlege to find excuses. So, I will be motivated by my friends and family who want to see me succeed at this and are depending on me for inspiration and encouragement. Pooh on fear!
Oh, and I've decided that as a family we will eat dinner earlier - every little bit helps. Now back to crunching on my raw cauliflower and broccoli.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Yikes!
Ok, it's been a crazy, rough, but good week. I won't even get into the craziness at work right now, but that's another post.
Yikes, date with the scale tomorrow morning. I really haven't been as good this week as I had hoped. Sorely lacking on the veggies. It will be interesting to see just how big a difference that makes.
On the up-side, I've been an angel about eating breakfast. I've been keeping to within 200 cal give and take of my target intake. Have NOT been good about intentional exercise, however, a good cleaning of the house, and generally moving around more, shopping walking farther, etc... hopefully will work in my favor. I've been using sugar free gum in the afternoon to combat those damned 3:00 munchies - Orange creme pop flavored... I'm going to have to go for something different next week, it's beginning to get old.
I have no great expectations tomorrow - I'm beginning to feel the "habitual" awareness of my intake already. I always think twice about what I'm putting in my mouth now, I am aware of how much or how little I am moving around. And I don't expect more than a pound, or less. But I'm doing what I said I was going to - just not eating my veggies as much this week.
Next week will be better. I promise.
Oh, and I got the coolest compliment from a co-worker - "have you lost anymore weight?" your face looks different, in a good way."
Gotta love working at the museum... more on that later.
Oh, Geez, gotta get home and get dinner ready... my favorite uncle is coming to visit. I only get to see him once every 4 or 5 years - I'm so psyched! More on that later too!
Yikes, date with the scale tomorrow morning. I really haven't been as good this week as I had hoped. Sorely lacking on the veggies. It will be interesting to see just how big a difference that makes.
On the up-side, I've been an angel about eating breakfast. I've been keeping to within 200 cal give and take of my target intake. Have NOT been good about intentional exercise, however, a good cleaning of the house, and generally moving around more, shopping walking farther, etc... hopefully will work in my favor. I've been using sugar free gum in the afternoon to combat those damned 3:00 munchies - Orange creme pop flavored... I'm going to have to go for something different next week, it's beginning to get old.
I have no great expectations tomorrow - I'm beginning to feel the "habitual" awareness of my intake already. I always think twice about what I'm putting in my mouth now, I am aware of how much or how little I am moving around. And I don't expect more than a pound, or less. But I'm doing what I said I was going to - just not eating my veggies as much this week.
Next week will be better. I promise.
Oh, and I got the coolest compliment from a co-worker - "have you lost anymore weight?" your face looks different, in a good way."
Gotta love working at the museum... more on that later.
Oh, Geez, gotta get home and get dinner ready... my favorite uncle is coming to visit. I only get to see him once every 4 or 5 years - I'm so psyched! More on that later too!
Friday, January 20, 2012
WOW!!!!
OK!! 1 down - 19 to go... and no, I'm not talking about Doctor's visits. But yes, that's over...
When I started this, my goal was to lose 5 lbs. And I have succeeded!! Whoohooo!!! 5lbs in one week - take that biggest loser!!
It's time to celebrate!! Raw Cauliflower all around!!!! I know that the following weeks won't see such drama, but what a start! Oh, and I've decided that for every pound I lose I'm putting $5 in an unbreakable jar so that when I'm finished I'll have LOTS of money to buy some kickin' outfits.
Ok, so what did the Doctor say? Well, their scale is 1/2 pound lighter than mine, so if I wanted to I could say I lost 5 1/2 lbs... but I'm sticking with 5. He was happy I was going to lose weight and approved of my methodology.
Aside from the fun of the pelvic exam, it went well. On the bad side, the ankle might take another month or so to heal. The kind of sprain I have apparently can take up to 4 months to heal. Hooray.
So, basically, it was uneventful. What was I so freaked out about? Ahhh... the unknown again. Now I know. Big deal. I really need to work on my fear of the unknown. Talk about ridiculous.
So, all in all a good day was had by all.
When I started this, my goal was to lose 5 lbs. And I have succeeded!! Whoohooo!!! 5lbs in one week - take that biggest loser!!
It's time to celebrate!! Raw Cauliflower all around!!!! I know that the following weeks won't see such drama, but what a start! Oh, and I've decided that for every pound I lose I'm putting $5 in an unbreakable jar so that when I'm finished I'll have LOTS of money to buy some kickin' outfits.
Ok, so what did the Doctor say? Well, their scale is 1/2 pound lighter than mine, so if I wanted to I could say I lost 5 1/2 lbs... but I'm sticking with 5. He was happy I was going to lose weight and approved of my methodology.
Aside from the fun of the pelvic exam, it went well. On the bad side, the ankle might take another month or so to heal. The kind of sprain I have apparently can take up to 4 months to heal. Hooray.
So, basically, it was uneventful. What was I so freaked out about? Ahhh... the unknown again. Now I know. Big deal. I really need to work on my fear of the unknown. Talk about ridiculous.
So, all in all a good day was had by all.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Ok... I am NOT nervous...
Well, yes, yes, I am.
Tomorrow is D-day. in more ways than one.
I sheduled a doctor's appointment for a checkup aeons ago - and now it's here. Ugh. I haven't been to the doctors' office since my burns in 06 - well, unless you count the two years of care I received at John's Hopkins Burn center. I have the release papers - '08. September '08. I spent enough time with doctors for tests and checks and being looked at and looked over to last me a lifetime.
But, here I am. and I am... freaking scared. I know I've gained weight since the last time I was there - over 7 years ago. And I can tell you how much. 20 lbs. But see, last time I was there, it was to get checked out before starting a weight-loss program. THAT really worked didn't it?
And I know, because I know the type of doctor that he is, he's going to send me to the usual round up of specialists. He told me to last time, and while I was beginning that wonderful process I got burned and put all of that on hold...
So, let's make this a guessing game. PAP, yep, gettting that taken care of at the office tomorrow - whoopee... Now for the ones I'm going to have to make with specialists:
Cardiologist
Mamogram
Gastroeterologist - oh yea... that colonoscopy sounds like so much fun
what am I missing? there's a couple more I know...
Oh yea, let's see both my parents are diabetic so I'm guessing the Endocrinologist.
Then, hmmm... I'm thinking lots of sun exposure would grant me a visit to the dermatologist
My allergies might buy me a ticket to the allergist.
I think I'll stop there... one more "ist" and I'll lose it.
The other reason that I'm dreading tomorrow is that it's one week since I began the process of ditching the fat suit. That means weigh-in. THAT scares me. Not because of the number... hell, I've lived with high numbers for many years. But for what it might do to me. I've been trying. I've been drinking my water, counting my calories and logging whatever goes into my mouth... heck, I've even been keeping track of my activities. If that damn scale hasn't budged it may be very, very depressing for me. If this week was this hard and nothing happened, why the heck would I keep it up?
Oh, yea because I don't want to have to visit the bariatric surgeon....
So here we go... again.
Tomorrow is D-day. in more ways than one.
I sheduled a doctor's appointment for a checkup aeons ago - and now it's here. Ugh. I haven't been to the doctors' office since my burns in 06 - well, unless you count the two years of care I received at John's Hopkins Burn center. I have the release papers - '08. September '08. I spent enough time with doctors for tests and checks and being looked at and looked over to last me a lifetime.
But, here I am. and I am... freaking scared. I know I've gained weight since the last time I was there - over 7 years ago. And I can tell you how much. 20 lbs. But see, last time I was there, it was to get checked out before starting a weight-loss program. THAT really worked didn't it?
And I know, because I know the type of doctor that he is, he's going to send me to the usual round up of specialists. He told me to last time, and while I was beginning that wonderful process I got burned and put all of that on hold...
So, let's make this a guessing game. PAP, yep, gettting that taken care of at the office tomorrow - whoopee... Now for the ones I'm going to have to make with specialists:
Cardiologist
Mamogram
Gastroeterologist - oh yea... that colonoscopy sounds like so much fun
what am I missing? there's a couple more I know...
Oh yea, let's see both my parents are diabetic so I'm guessing the Endocrinologist.
Then, hmmm... I'm thinking lots of sun exposure would grant me a visit to the dermatologist
My allergies might buy me a ticket to the allergist.
I think I'll stop there... one more "ist" and I'll lose it.
The other reason that I'm dreading tomorrow is that it's one week since I began the process of ditching the fat suit. That means weigh-in. THAT scares me. Not because of the number... hell, I've lived with high numbers for many years. But for what it might do to me. I've been trying. I've been drinking my water, counting my calories and logging whatever goes into my mouth... heck, I've even been keeping track of my activities. If that damn scale hasn't budged it may be very, very depressing for me. If this week was this hard and nothing happened, why the heck would I keep it up?
Oh, yea because I don't want to have to visit the bariatric surgeon....
So here we go... again.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Someone said there are no pics of me... here you go
Ok, problem remedied
Yesterday's problem of no munchies has been remedied. I stopped on the way home and picked up a veggie tray, bagged salad, cauliflour, and cheezits bags - 90 cal per bag. Sometimes you just gotta have something a little bready. It was absolute torture on the way home - I really wanted to just grab something and chew my way to the house. But I didn't. I waited. When I got home, I put the groceries away, grabbed some carrots and a little (I mean little) dip and went to town. My goal is to eliminate the dip within a week or two. But for now, I'm happy I didn't go for the candy or chips.
One thing I've learned about myself is that if I feel I'm denying myself of something I want, I will eat everything in sight to make up for it. I'm working on that - a friend reminded me, that every time I want something bad for me, I have to think to myself, which do I want more, the yummy or to ditch the fat suit. That helps. A bit.
Another thing I am forcing myself to do, which I hate above all things (well, next to sweating and the activities that produce sweat) is breakfast. I have never been a breakfast person, unless it's on the weekend and accompanied by large quantities of bacon.
So, this morning we are delving into a lovely container of non fat black cherry greek yogurt. I wish I could say I'm enjoying it, but I'm not. Every spoonful is like a penance for the bad things I've done. But, as much as it disgusts me, the fat suit disgusts me more... so on and on I spoon this weird goo into my body. It looks like silly putty. People actually LIKE this stuff??? No wonder why greeks are so emotional!
At any rate, I can look forward to a tastier lunch. Tomato soup. At least that is something I like. So, I guess in order to ditch the fat suit, I'll take the good with the bad.
On to exercise. My friend, the trainer, also has been feeding me these exercises to do. Mostly arms, since I'm still dealing with that dang ankle. I just hope to God that none of my co-workers walks in on me when I'm doing my thrice daily arm circles or bat waves. They'll sick the white coats on me for sure. It's not too bad if you don't take into account the weirdness factor. The human body is a bizarre thing, and the more I'm focusing on this body of mine, the weirder it seems. Bat waves are actually fun... I can count how many times my under-the-arm wobbles move each time I lift and lower my arms. (Ok I admit I'm easily amused).
I'm more than a little fearful of what's coming down the pike for my next exercises, but hey, this is an adventure, right?
One thing I've learned about myself is that if I feel I'm denying myself of something I want, I will eat everything in sight to make up for it. I'm working on that - a friend reminded me, that every time I want something bad for me, I have to think to myself, which do I want more, the yummy or to ditch the fat suit. That helps. A bit.
Another thing I am forcing myself to do, which I hate above all things (well, next to sweating and the activities that produce sweat) is breakfast. I have never been a breakfast person, unless it's on the weekend and accompanied by large quantities of bacon.
So, this morning we are delving into a lovely container of non fat black cherry greek yogurt. I wish I could say I'm enjoying it, but I'm not. Every spoonful is like a penance for the bad things I've done. But, as much as it disgusts me, the fat suit disgusts me more... so on and on I spoon this weird goo into my body. It looks like silly putty. People actually LIKE this stuff??? No wonder why greeks are so emotional!
At any rate, I can look forward to a tastier lunch. Tomato soup. At least that is something I like. So, I guess in order to ditch the fat suit, I'll take the good with the bad.
On to exercise. My friend, the trainer, also has been feeding me these exercises to do. Mostly arms, since I'm still dealing with that dang ankle. I just hope to God that none of my co-workers walks in on me when I'm doing my thrice daily arm circles or bat waves. They'll sick the white coats on me for sure. It's not too bad if you don't take into account the weirdness factor. The human body is a bizarre thing, and the more I'm focusing on this body of mine, the weirder it seems. Bat waves are actually fun... I can count how many times my under-the-arm wobbles move each time I lift and lower my arms. (Ok I admit I'm easily amused).
I'm more than a little fearful of what's coming down the pike for my next exercises, but hey, this is an adventure, right?
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Three o'clock munchies
Why the heck didn't I think to bring something to work that would be munchy and healthy? I did good on breakfast, substituted a glass of tea for water,I'm walking, in spite of a sprained ankle. And yet, idiot me risks a pretty good day by not having something crunchy and healthy to snack on.
Time to hit the store and pick up some carrot sticks and something more healthy than the crackers I've been eyeing. Better planning for tomorrow I hope.
Time to hit the store and pick up some carrot sticks and something more healthy than the crackers I've been eyeing. Better planning for tomorrow I hope.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Day 1 - shopping
I'm feeling very proud of myself. Went to weggies this morning and had a seriously fun time picking out weird veggies to cook up into some very different meals than we're used to. I think I can do this.
What the hell is a rutabaga anyways?
What the hell is a rutabaga anyways?
Friday, January 13, 2012
Me and the Doctor
It's now past 1300 on Friday the 13th. D-Day. Why, oh why did I say I was going to do this?
Sigh. It must have been the derranged skinny person who lives inside me. She's been knocking. She's been trying to get out for a while. I love her. I hate her. I AM her. I'm still not sure I want to do this, but as I've said before it's time.
As I type I'm remembering a Dr. Who episode (David Tennant, thank you very much) where the Doctor had placed the time-lord part of himself inside a watch and the person that was left was human, and didn't even remember that he was "The Doctor". At the end of the show, the human had to decide whether to let the Doctor back out of the watch, essentially killing the human dreams and life he could have had; or to give the time-lord/watch to the bad guys and live out his life as a human. The agony and the angst that he went through making that decision mirror the feelings and fears that I'm wrestling with at the moment.
I am at the crossroads. Am I really going to do this - killing the comfortable, non-risk taking, squishy and content me? Am I ready to log what I eat? am I ready to not eat the not-good-for-me yummies that taste so good? Or am I going to give that watch away and live life as a sofa?
I'll admit it. I'm scared. Really scared. That down-deep in the pit of your stomach and whirling around your brain scared. The kind of scared that makes your arms numb. Yea. THAT scared -- the scared that's usually reserved for really big screw-ups at work, or you left your FB page open for your mother to read. The bizarre thing is, I'm not really sure why.
I'm not afraid of change, so that can't be it. I'm not afraid of exercise - I don't like it, but I've done it before. I'm not afraid of healthy food - I actually like it. Why the hell am I so scared?
Maybe, just maybe, it's the thing that I'm terrified of more than anything else in the world...the unknown. I would have never made a good companion to the Doctor. The thought of walking out of the tardis into an unknown world would paralyze me. I have to know what's coming, where I'm going, what's going to happen next. And I don't know what's going to happen: will I succeed? will it be hard? will I have problems? how bad is it going to be? how will I fit this in my schedule?
I am NOT one of those people who can say, one day at a time. I need to see what's coming down the pike. I abhor the unknown.
Deep Breath... in.. and out.... in... and out... ok. feeling a bit better now. I've faced scary things before - life-flight, career changes, childrearing. I CAN do this. and I will.
Little steps at a time, and lots of breathing.
Sigh. It must have been the derranged skinny person who lives inside me. She's been knocking. She's been trying to get out for a while. I love her. I hate her. I AM her. I'm still not sure I want to do this, but as I've said before it's time.
As I type I'm remembering a Dr. Who episode (David Tennant, thank you very much) where the Doctor had placed the time-lord part of himself inside a watch and the person that was left was human, and didn't even remember that he was "The Doctor". At the end of the show, the human had to decide whether to let the Doctor back out of the watch, essentially killing the human dreams and life he could have had; or to give the time-lord/watch to the bad guys and live out his life as a human. The agony and the angst that he went through making that decision mirror the feelings and fears that I'm wrestling with at the moment.
I am at the crossroads. Am I really going to do this - killing the comfortable, non-risk taking, squishy and content me? Am I ready to log what I eat? am I ready to not eat the not-good-for-me yummies that taste so good? Or am I going to give that watch away and live life as a sofa?
I'll admit it. I'm scared. Really scared. That down-deep in the pit of your stomach and whirling around your brain scared. The kind of scared that makes your arms numb. Yea. THAT scared -- the scared that's usually reserved for really big screw-ups at work, or you left your FB page open for your mother to read. The bizarre thing is, I'm not really sure why.
I'm not afraid of change, so that can't be it. I'm not afraid of exercise - I don't like it, but I've done it before. I'm not afraid of healthy food - I actually like it. Why the hell am I so scared?
Maybe, just maybe, it's the thing that I'm terrified of more than anything else in the world...the unknown. I would have never made a good companion to the Doctor. The thought of walking out of the tardis into an unknown world would paralyze me. I have to know what's coming, where I'm going, what's going to happen next. And I don't know what's going to happen: will I succeed? will it be hard? will I have problems? how bad is it going to be? how will I fit this in my schedule?
I am NOT one of those people who can say, one day at a time. I need to see what's coming down the pike. I abhor the unknown.
Deep Breath... in.. and out.... in... and out... ok. feeling a bit better now. I've faced scary things before - life-flight, career changes, childrearing. I CAN do this. and I will.
Little steps at a time, and lots of breathing.
Friday, January 6, 2012
It's time
Well, I've been thinking about it for years, talking about it for almost as long, but I have finally named it. I am wearing a fat suit. The me inside is thinner, healthier and more beautiful. But this damn fat suit keeps me wearing "fat clothes" and keeps the world from seeing the real me.
This may not seem like much to most of the world, but the naming of this revelation is huge for me. I've always felt it and tried to describe it, but words never quite did my situation justice. And then one day, chatting with a friend, it came to me... The fat suit.
The fat suit is a shell, covering my true interior, hiding the precious me inside. It crept up on me and enveloped me and I did nothing to stop it. Ok, I admit it, I am lazy and undisciplined - I've known this forever. But what I didn't realize was the effect that my laziness and lack of discipline would have on my appearance. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and peering deeply to see if perhaps some semblance of the old me is still there... yup, it is. But it is hidden so far inside this awful shell that it takes some time to see it.
In my head, I'm still the same. I'm a size 10, longish hair, fairly decent features (although my nose is a bit too big for my taste) and intense eyes. To the outside world, I'm a size 22 with a square face, more chins than I care to count and those same intense eyes. My nose is a little less prominant with a bigger face, but it's still pretty good sized. Oh, and those damn wrinkles, ugh! They have been my companions for many moons now and will continue to be - but them, I can live with - the fat suit, no longer!
It has taken me years to come to this point. Years of pining, and wishing and imagining that I'm my old self again. None of which have done anything to get rid of the fat suit surrounding me. Sigh.
The only thing that there is left to do is work at getting rid of this thing. Jesus, I wish I could just unzip it and step out of it - but that ain't gonna happen. I want to go back to wearing fantastic clothes and turning heads as I walk confidently down the street - without Sciatica and Plantar Faschiaitis as my constant companions. I want to go back to walking in a store, picking something up off the rack and looking at it thinking how wonderful it will look on me - not "will it cover my stomach rolls enough?"
And so, with my desire for change finally stronger than my comfort in the status quo, I'm ready to begin. I have friends who will support me and guide me on my way. I'm fully aware of the changes that I will need to make. I will have to start logging what I eat, exercizing regularly and eating healthier foods. It sounds innocuous enough - but to me, well, you might as well be asking me to scale Mount Kilamonjaro. Naked. In the winter. Carrying Orson Wells on my back.
But, it's time. And so, as I prepare to begin a different way of life, I am bidding adieu to many of my favorite foods - oh, not permenantly, but at least the joy of guiltlessly eating them. Tuesday, it was KFC. Tonight, oh, joy! Bacon Pizza. Next will have to be chicken wings. Yes, definitely chicken wings... Finally, Chinese and Five guys (oh my how those guys can cook). Oh, don't worry Five guys -- I will occasionally partake, but for me it won't be without consequence. I will endure extra workouts, less at another meal, there are ways... But for now, I'm enjoying these treats with all of the exuberance of a child who has discovered their first hot fudge sunday.
I've chosen Friday the 13th as the first day of my new journey - appropriate, no? And so with a week to go, I prepare: finding sneakers, looking up and preparing food logger, ridding the house of treats, and yes, savoring every last morsel of guilt free pleasure that I have deemed as a few of my favorite things. It's a mixture of pleasure and pain, you know. I'm so excited that I will finally be on the road to shedding the fat suit, and so sad and scared about what it's going to take to get to that point.
As I've said, I have friends to help me along the path, and they are a consolation and a joy and a help. But the reality is - this has got to come from me. It's all me - no one can choose what I put in my mouth, no one can get me out of bed to work out before everybody else gets up, and no one, not anyone can take away my determination.
This may not seem like much to most of the world, but the naming of this revelation is huge for me. I've always felt it and tried to describe it, but words never quite did my situation justice. And then one day, chatting with a friend, it came to me... The fat suit.
The fat suit is a shell, covering my true interior, hiding the precious me inside. It crept up on me and enveloped me and I did nothing to stop it. Ok, I admit it, I am lazy and undisciplined - I've known this forever. But what I didn't realize was the effect that my laziness and lack of discipline would have on my appearance. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and peering deeply to see if perhaps some semblance of the old me is still there... yup, it is. But it is hidden so far inside this awful shell that it takes some time to see it.
In my head, I'm still the same. I'm a size 10, longish hair, fairly decent features (although my nose is a bit too big for my taste) and intense eyes. To the outside world, I'm a size 22 with a square face, more chins than I care to count and those same intense eyes. My nose is a little less prominant with a bigger face, but it's still pretty good sized. Oh, and those damn wrinkles, ugh! They have been my companions for many moons now and will continue to be - but them, I can live with - the fat suit, no longer!
It has taken me years to come to this point. Years of pining, and wishing and imagining that I'm my old self again. None of which have done anything to get rid of the fat suit surrounding me. Sigh.
The only thing that there is left to do is work at getting rid of this thing. Jesus, I wish I could just unzip it and step out of it - but that ain't gonna happen. I want to go back to wearing fantastic clothes and turning heads as I walk confidently down the street - without Sciatica and Plantar Faschiaitis as my constant companions. I want to go back to walking in a store, picking something up off the rack and looking at it thinking how wonderful it will look on me - not "will it cover my stomach rolls enough?"
And so, with my desire for change finally stronger than my comfort in the status quo, I'm ready to begin. I have friends who will support me and guide me on my way. I'm fully aware of the changes that I will need to make. I will have to start logging what I eat, exercizing regularly and eating healthier foods. It sounds innocuous enough - but to me, well, you might as well be asking me to scale Mount Kilamonjaro. Naked. In the winter. Carrying Orson Wells on my back.
But, it's time. And so, as I prepare to begin a different way of life, I am bidding adieu to many of my favorite foods - oh, not permenantly, but at least the joy of guiltlessly eating them. Tuesday, it was KFC. Tonight, oh, joy! Bacon Pizza. Next will have to be chicken wings. Yes, definitely chicken wings... Finally, Chinese and Five guys (oh my how those guys can cook). Oh, don't worry Five guys -- I will occasionally partake, but for me it won't be without consequence. I will endure extra workouts, less at another meal, there are ways... But for now, I'm enjoying these treats with all of the exuberance of a child who has discovered their first hot fudge sunday.
I've chosen Friday the 13th as the first day of my new journey - appropriate, no? And so with a week to go, I prepare: finding sneakers, looking up and preparing food logger, ridding the house of treats, and yes, savoring every last morsel of guilt free pleasure that I have deemed as a few of my favorite things. It's a mixture of pleasure and pain, you know. I'm so excited that I will finally be on the road to shedding the fat suit, and so sad and scared about what it's going to take to get to that point.
As I've said, I have friends to help me along the path, and they are a consolation and a joy and a help. But the reality is - this has got to come from me. It's all me - no one can choose what I put in my mouth, no one can get me out of bed to work out before everybody else gets up, and no one, not anyone can take away my determination.
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