Me and the Doctor

It's now past 1300 on Friday the 13th.  D-Day.  Why, oh why did I say I was going to do this?

Sigh.  It must have been the derranged skinny person who lives inside me.  She's been knocking.  She's been trying to get out for a while.  I love her.  I hate her.  I AM her.   I'm still not sure I want to do this, but as I've said before it's time.

As I type I'm remembering a Dr. Who episode (David Tennant, thank you very much) where the Doctor had placed the time-lord part of himself inside a watch and the person that was left was human, and didn't even remember that he was "The Doctor".  At the end of the show, the human had to decide whether to let the Doctor back out of the watch, essentially killing the human dreams and life he could have had; or to give the time-lord/watch to the bad guys and live out his life as a human. The agony and the angst that he went through making that decision mirror the feelings and fears that I'm wrestling with at the moment.

I am at the crossroads.  Am I really going to do this - killing the comfortable, non-risk taking, squishy and content me?  Am I ready to log what I eat? am I ready to not eat the not-good-for-me yummies that taste so good?  Or am I going to give that watch away and live life as a sofa?

I'll admit it. I'm scared. Really scared.  That down-deep in the pit of your stomach and whirling around your brain scared.  The kind of scared that makes your arms numb.  Yea.  THAT scared -- the scared that's usually reserved for really big screw-ups at work, or you left your FB page open for your mother to read.  The bizarre thing is, I'm not really sure why.

I'm not afraid of change, so that can't be it.  I'm not afraid of exercise - I don't like it, but I've done it before.  I'm not afraid of healthy food - I actually like it.  Why the hell am I so scared?

Maybe, just maybe, it's the thing that I'm terrified of more than anything else in the world...the unknown.  I would have never made a good companion to the Doctor.   The thought of walking out of the tardis into an unknown world would paralyze me. I have to know what's coming, where I'm going, what's going to happen next.  And I don't know what's going to happen: will I succeed? will it be hard? will I have problems? how bad is it going to be? how will I fit this in my schedule?

I am NOT one of those people who can say, one day at a time.  I need to see what's coming down the pike.  I abhor the unknown.

Deep Breath... in.. and out.... in... and out...  ok.  feeling a bit better now.  I've faced scary things before - life-flight, career changes, childrearing.  I CAN do this. and I will.

Little steps at a time, and lots of breathing.