Busy, busy, busy!

Sorry I've been bad about keeping up with my blog.  It's been a crazy few weeks in so many ways.  This is the first time in 10 years I haven't worked about 80 hours during Holy Week.

I've been making the most of it.  Gardening, shopping, cooking (both good and naughty foods), decorating the house, cleaning, general running around - it was GLORIOUS!!!

This is what normal people do?  How cool.  It's beginning to sink in that I'm a normal people and that I've finally transitioned into humanity.  Hooray!!!  How appropriate that I've come to this conclusion the week we celebrate Easter?  I am indeed the same woman, but with a completely new life, and I am blissfully happy about that.

Now, for the good news.  I have finally made my second 5 pound goal.  18 more of them to go!  I CAN and will do this.  But I think I'm going to have to wait until after this week to see some decent numbers on the scale - I'm enjoying peoplehood A LOT! 

I figure it's a fair trade - after all, this ditching the fat suit isn't about doing it as fast as possible.  It's about changing lifestyles, being conscious of what goes in my mouth and how much I'm moving.  I'll be moving plenty this week, so I'm planning to enjoy life - even if I'm a bit sore from working the garden.

I truly feel as if spring is here - in here *points to heart* and here *turns in a circle arms outstretched in joy and abandon*!

Peace my friends, peace.

Ahhh... Sweet Relief! Literally

Well, I made it through week one of the experiment and darned if it didn't work like a charm.  I'm down 3 lbs from last week.

Apparently my body (and mind) prefer this cycling thing.  I could tell even just a couple of days into this that it was going to work for me.  My attitude was better, I found it MUCH easier to stay within my calorie limits for the day, and even the Low-cal days weren't so bad because I knew I'd be able to get relief if I could just stick it out for a few days.

I cheated and jumped on the scale on Wednesday, just to see whether it was working or not, and DANG! I weighed less in the afternoon dressed than I did in my pjs first thing in the morning on my last weigh-in.

Yesterday, my lowest calorie day, WAS tough - there's no question.  But I had the memory of the number on the scale that went down and the thought of: "This IS working, just stick with it for a few more hours" going through my head and yup, I made it.  With a couple calories to spare!

I can see some changes in my face again, which is my favorite part of dropping pounds, and overall, I really feel like I'm making some progress. On top of that, I have more hope today than I did at the beginning of this journey. (Can you tell I'm a little excited?)

I'm two months in, and I hadn't been seeing the progress I wanted to: only 8 lbs in 2 months.  BUT, I'm making progress in the fact that I've finally found a plan that is working for me!  And, heck, 8 lbs gone is 8 lbs I'm not lugging around anymore!

Whooohooo!!!  Life is good! Fat suit, get ready to rumble!!!

Cycling? Me?

No, not on a bicycle, but rather intake.  Changing it up.
Obviously, since I haven't lost nearly as much as I thought I would by this point in time, something isn't working.
Sooo... we're going to try cycling my intake - loads of food on Friday, less on Saturday, less on Sunday and so on, until Thursday rolls around and it's almost a fast.
I might be able to pull that off, and with a crappy little old lady metabolism, this might just shake it up enough to get some significant loss out of me.
Damned fat suit - get off me already!

Busy is good... and sometimes it isn't.

Sooo... once again, it was technically (Fri. scale said one thing, re-do on Sat said another -lots lower) a no-loss week last week. 

Am I surprised? no.  Disappointed? not really - and here's why.

I'm learning to try new things, food-wise at least.  So that's a positive change.

I'm eating healthier in general.  That's a positive change.

I have a better attitude about getting/keeping active.  That's a positive change.

The negative comes from the fact that being busy makes it harder to actually live these wonderful, positive changes.  The dreaded school play has stolen my workout partner (who happens to be a delightfully insane 12 year old mini-me).  The other thing that this evilness called a school play has stolen from me for the past 3 weeks is the ability to do my weekly cooking for the family.  Having meals already in the fridge all week had been the modus operandi of the family for the past 2 months.  (Geez, has it been that long already?)

You would think I would eat healthier and exercise more when left to my own devices (and NO, my perv friends - you know who you are - not THOSE devices).  But it simply is not easier to eat healthier when I'm alone.  I found that I would either not eat (bad for me) or eat whatever I could find in the freezer (really bad for me) or worst of all, just graze all night long.  Soooooo....

The black hole of doom known as the Middle School School Play is over!!! My workout parter is back and I spent all day Saturday AND Sunday cooking some amazing recipes for the week.  Watch out fat suit - you've been served!

Running around like a Chicken with my head chopped off - not a good idea...

Been busy...

It's been a crazy couple of weeks here at the fat farm.  Daughter has school play going on, which means practices until ungodly hours every night, making sure she has her black clothes ready (she's on stage crew) and trying to get quick healthy meals for the hubby.

Blech... I want my normalcy back.  Although I have to admit it has been a bit of fun being home by myself at night, exercising at will and catching up with my facebook buddies.  The other advantage is I can cook what I want for me. 

Scallops and green beans - salads galore, it has been kind of fun to cook what I like without worrying if everyone else will like or even eat the evening's fare.

On the other side, we are NOT getting our sleep so it's a bit like living in a viper's den - you never know when you're going to get bit, but you can be reasonably sure it's coming.

Oh, and how is losing the fat suit going?  welll..... Friday was kind of fun.  I bought a new scale - the weight watchers one - which we will be using from now on.  Heehee, it's calibrated a bit lower than the crappy old one we've had for 20 years.

Without actually losing more than a few ounces, I managed to drop 2 1/2 pounds this week.  and yes, I'm counting it... mainly because it's the scale I'm going to be using from now on, and since I suck at math, to keep adding the difference between the old scale and new one would just confuse the heck out of me.

Sooo - all in all, sucess! (sort of)  Daughter was really excited too, because not only did she drop the two pounds from the scale, she's dropped a real pound.  She's now beggin money off dad to put aside for her shopping spree as well.

Since we're going to get back on track after this week is over, we're just chalking it up to craziness and not stressing too much over calories, but we're still trying to be careful since there won't be any scale glitches to save our butts.

I am now exhausted from cooking all day yesterday on top of not sleeping from the crazy schedule.   What's on the menu this week?  well, we have chicken, and veggies.  Burbon Street chicken chunks, steamed summer squash, baked green beans, baked sugar snap peas, cucumber sticks, and other odd assortments of veggies.  Even though they will be quick meals, at least they're relatively healthy.

Spring is in the air and I'm going to be ready for it!  (can you tell from the stream of consciousness writing I'm not getting enough sleep?)  Remind me to post about coffee tomorrow!!

Indulger's remorse

Ok, we're having fun here right?

Notsomuch.  I knew it was going to be difficult to make up my overintake on calories this weekend.  And I AM being very careful for the rest of the week.

What I didn't expect was the freaking GUILT!  I was ok with it when I decided and I went in knowing what I was doing and was going to have to do to get back on track.  Now, I'm like that country song: "it started off Hey cutie, where are you from, and it turned into oh, no what have I done?"

I'm at the oh, no what have I done stage... ugh!  WTF was I thinking?  I know mr scale is not going to be overly kind two weeks in a row.

I only have 2 lbs to go till my next goal.  sigh.  I'll have to wait another couple of weeks, that's all.  It's not the end of the world right?  RIGHT??

Yes, it is not the end of the world, and it was very eye-opening for me to realize that a weekend of overindulgence was really my previous norm.  So, lesson learned, life lived and I'm back on track.

Now, move over Michael Jackson, I've got some calories to burn...
I feel...

BAD!

Being Bad... in a different way.

Sooo... confession time.

I took the weekend off. I ate some really, truly bad stuff and I know I'll pay for it.

Friday night: chili (homemade, but added sour cream and a little cheese)
Salad - ranch yogurt dressing
girl scout mint cookies and milk

Saturday:
1 whole bagel (butter, not cream cheese)
2 pickled eggs
McDonald's shamrock shake
Guacamole (homemade) with organic corn chips (not baked)
Souvlaki (homemade with lamb, no feta and homemade tzatzki sauce, lots of lettuce)
Wegman's white cake (1 piece minus most of the frosting)
more girl scout cookies and milk

Sunday:
Scrambled Eggs (yes with the yolk, and made with cream)
Bacon
reduced fat cinnamon roll (out of a package, how embarrassing)
green beans (liberally sprinkled with macadamia oil)
sauteed mushrooms (in butter and marsala)
potato salad (homemade, not too much mayo)
the biggest, juciest honkin' man burger ever made on a flat top griddle
and yes, more girl scout cookies with milk.

Oh... am I going to pay....

But you know, I knew what I was doing this time.  I knew I was going over my fat and calorie intake
for a total of 3 day intake of over 5500 calories!!! Yikes... well, it's not as bad as it sounds, I was only around 1000 total calories over my normal alottment.

The other difference (besides being aware of just how bad I was being) is that I know I've got to work extra hard to keep from a gain this week.  I'm only 2 lbs off from another goal soo, it's back to yogurt and lean meats and veggies again.

I hate having to work harder, but ohhhh... such fun on a weekend off!!

5 weeks in...a family affair

Even after PMSing and downing about 3 servings of GS thin mint cookies the other night (I was good the rest of the day), the scale was kind.

Down 2 lbs!   Thank you! Thank you!!  *bows, waving her new Michael Jackson glove*

Another surprise, my darling daughter, who is overweight too (big surprise there, right?) also lost a pound this week, and probably one last week.  So, since her last weigh in two weeks ago, she's down 2lbs as well!  It was a good morning in our house, let me tell you! (Why am I hearing this in Rick Moranis' voice from Ghost Busters?)

Her goal is to be able to comfortably wear a bikini when she gets into high school.  Since she's in 7th grade, that is a goal that is absolutely acheivable.  The bigger victory is that she's learning to be aware of what and when she eats.  While seeing the scale show progress, I think this other type of progress is even more rewarding! 

Here's an example that made me puff my feathers: I asked her the other day, "how much is a serving?" as she was sitting down with one of her after-school snacks.  She immediately rattled off, "don't worry, I already checked, a serving is 4 but since I'm not super hungry I'm only going to have 3 and since 4 is 130 calories I'm doing good I'll still be able to have something else later if I want." Now, on the flip side of that, there are times when one of us will just say, "I really want this."  but then are careful about the rest of our choices for the week.

And truly, I'm not afraid of her becoming anorexic.  She's like her mother.  The desire to be at a healthier weight is there, but the desire for good tasting food is also strong.  I'm just so pleased she's learning awareness.  It will make it easier for both of us if, when she's a teen if any eating disorders ever do rear their heads, since talking about health and food is common ground and she knows we're all about helping each other be healthy.

I think for me, this morning was a really big shot in the arm.  2lbs down, 3 to go till I reach my next goal.  I also suddenly realized that I'm not thinking the way I used to..."by August, I want to be 30 lbs lighter".  I do want to be 30 lbs lighter, but I'm not looking at it that way.  I know that as I continue to eat healthier and move more, the weight will come off.  When it does isn't as big a deal as the fact that what I'm doing is better for my body.  and my daughter.  The weigh-ins are really just to measure progress and make sure we're keeping on track. Every 5 lbs for me is a step toward better health - and a new wardrobe, minus the fat suit!

With that, another $10 in the clothing fund!  I'm thinking I might have to get the daughter started on a clothing fund too, to save for that bikini.  (Just don't tell her dad! ;-) )

Why does being bad feel so good?

Ok, been quiet for a while.  Work's been busy, home's been busy... isn't that just how life goes, it ebbs and flows (sounds like lyrics from a song).

So, what have I been up to?  Well, the *($#& who stole our wii has not returned it, so I bought another one.  I like this one better, since I have no history on it and can finally use my ninja-like skills to catch up or beat my daughter and hubby at wii resort.  Well, probably not, but hey, everyone needs a dream.

Whilst purchasing new wii, I decided that I must also avail myself of the "buy one, get one 1/2 off" sale on just dance videos, since I needed to replace the original "just dance" that was in the wii when it went for a permanent vacation from our home.

"just dance" 1 in hand, looking around to see which other version to get... disney? no blankety-blank way.  Hubby would have to hide the guns because it wouldn't be long before I had a psychotic episode and went postal on the TV, neighbors and whatever else got within 1 mile of me.

kids version - nope.  We'd have to hide the guns from my daughter.  12 year olds have no interest in anything labeled "kids".

summer party?  hmmm... it has possibilities, I like the songs, but I have a feeling that it would be too much of a blow to my fragile ego to watch a summer party and think to myself, "here's the beached whale coming to the show."

So... that leaves... OMG, do I dare? MICHAEL JACKSON!!! 

Yes. I dare.  I went there.  That was Friday.  It's taken me this long to work up the nerve to open it and try it out.

The results? More crotch grabbing then a redneck family reuinion in the heat of the summer with everyone dressed in hunting camo.  Other than that, not too bad.  Incidentally, my husband came home just as daughter and I were about to start, so we waited a bit and made him join in the fun.

The sonofagun beat us at quite a few of the songs (which he somehow managed to get through without grabbing his crotch once and still get perfect scores).

I managed to "win" a few songs myself.  Bad (what does that say about me?) Black and white, and I ALMOST won on thriller.

All in all, a good time was had by all, even if we were sweaty, stinky and exhausted at the end of the hour.  But it flew by, and we all managed to burn a few calories whilst laughing and giggling.

not too bad for a family night at home.  BTW, do you think that our escapades last night might have something to do with my eye twitching this morning?

It's friday again.

It's been a crazy week, and an emotional roller coaster in so many ways.  I'll type more tomorrow, but for now, Weigh in was better than last week, lost the gain.

I learned I'm not the only one struggling and even the experts can go through some frustration.

It's a journey.  I'm walking.  (figuratively and literally).

And will the *(^&*% who stole our wii please take a long drive off a short pier?

Well, that sucked!

C'est la vie, right?  That's the way life goes.
Weigh in: I was so excited because I'd been keeping under my calories all week (except the weekend) and have done more exercise and drank more water in a week than I have in years.
And what do I have to show for it? a Freaking GAIN!  WTF?! And I had been so excited to see the results of my work, I almost cried.  Almost being the operative word.

I feel like I'd been working with a paint by numbers and I finally got to add the last color that makes it all come together, and when I did, it looked like crap.

While it was a disappointment for me, I overcame the initial shock and started making plans.  I will do more walking this week.  I will eat better.  I will smile, and push through this.

This gain is actually a good thing - I wanted to start with baby steps, and I did.  I followed through and am doing the things I said I would in the beginning.   I think in the back of my head I was expecting the baby steps to be enough.  They're not. And now it's time to start taking big-girl steps. I still have to limit the activity to walking and "non-dangerous-to-the-still-sprained-ankle" movement.  But, aside from that: It's time to up the ante.

The really interesting thing about this time around is my attitude and actions.  In the past, I would have focused on the negative for much longer, felt much sorrier for myself and probably just said "the hell with it".  This time around it's different.  I'm different.

I've noticed other significant changes in me besides physical. I'm much more likely to follow through - this blog for instance, there's no way I would have kept it up in the past. And I took the initiative to sign up the hairy beast (dog not husband) for obedience training. Something we'd talked about but never got the gumption to do. So the change isn't just dietary, and perhaps that's why I don't feel so bad - I am changing and in good ways. Just not how I'd expected or hoped to change.

While I still feel like I goofed up, the reality is, I just need to change the plan a little more.  THIS time, I will not give up.  I feel like there are too many people counting on me - and this time, I will follow through till I've reached my goal: I want to be healthier, I want to walk into a regular store and pick out something sexy, and probably most of all I want to be able to run (without getting black eyes).  Those are MY goals.  Not something anyone else has chosen for me, not something I am doing for anyone else.  It is about me. And for once, that's ok.

And to all those who are on my team supporting me, laughing with me and crying with me, thank you.  You keep me going.

Almost Week 3

Tomorrow will be weigh-in #3.  To be honest, when I started on this journey, I didn't think I'd make it even this long.

I've tried losing weight before, but never with the idea of ditching the fat suit.  In my previous attempts it was always with the idea of losing some weight for an event, or so I could fit into a dress I liked or some other nonsense.  While for many people those ideals can be good motivators, they don't work for me.  You think I would have learned after 20 years.

This time, while I may not be doing it perfectly, I am doing it right. for me.  Nobody else can take this journey for me.  I have to keep myself on track, and remember the true motivation - to let the real me out of this damn fat suit.

I still wish I could zip it off and be done with it.  But... I know deep within that this journey is life-changing.  It's the journey, not the destination, as they say.

Some things I've learned on the journey so far:

1. NEVER, EVER eat carbs in the morning.  I used to be able to and not have a problem, but I am no longer that 20-something who can survive on Dr. Pepper and giant oreos.

2. Water is not intrinsically evil. (THAT was a surprise to me)

3. Dancing with my daughter not only burns calories but helps us grow closer together.

4. Pride is BS.  I'm the only one who gives a crap about what I look like - and anyone who looks at me sideways for doing something silly can bite me!

5. Friends are essential.  I've always been a "watcher" or "loner", never quite fitting in with any particular crowd.  I love being alone - I'm not lonely, really.   But what I learned is that others can help motivate me, keep me going as it were. 

6. Responsibility is a wonderful motivator.  I have friends who are trying to walk this journey with me, some on the internet, some in real life, and I feel as if I were to fail, I will be failing in my responsibility to them.  (We all hold each others hands on this and if I break the link, they don't get what they need)

And tomorrow whether the scale tells me I lost anything or not - I'm still happy.  I've learned so much, and I feel so much better.  And no matter how long it takes me and how many lessons I need to learn yet, this @%%^$ fat suit is coming off! period.

And yes, My friend, even shamans have to work through their own personal issues.  To be human is a delight and a challenge for all of us - if anything this journey has taught me just how level the playing ground really is. 

The reality of who we are is only hidden by the image of who we think we should be.

Lesson learned

NEVER eat carbs for breakfast!  Yesterday I was an eating machine.  I was fighting harder yesterday to stick with my better eating habits than ever.  I think I ate more carrots than an entire warren of Benjamin Bunnies in an effort to satisfy the raging hunger monster who had taken up residence in my belly.

Got home, walked dog and daughter for almost an hour and....still hungry... who knew that that little start to the morning was going to determine the whole day?  Well, I knew in my head, I guess I just didn't believe it.

Well, I can say, "I'm a believer".  This morning was yogurt and today was waaay easier to stay on track.  We'll be taking the smart approach from now on.  I don't need to give myself more challenge than I'm already going through.

Yay!  I learned something and survived to tell the tale.

Finnegan Beginagain

Well, last week was challenging.  I'm going to have to learn how to deal with real life and still keep on track.

My favorite uncle and aunt came down to visit and we had a crazy week because of it - good, but crazy. So, now I'm playing catch-up. 
Catchup on drinking water
Catchup on cutting back on sugar
Catchup on eating my veggies
Catchup on walking

and I don't even like catchup!  Well, I do, but only on meatloaf and macaroni and cheese, and cheeseburgers and french fries... STOP IT brain!

At any rate I am catching up.  Been drinking the water - we're now at 1 glass of tea in the morning and the rest water until I get home.  Had all my servings of veggies yesterday. Not so good on the sugar cutting back, but I'll get there...

AND Daughter and I did an hour and a half "just dance" last night.  The neighbor came over to drop off the mail that the mailman had delivered to her house by mistake - and left with a big grin on her face.  So glad we could brighten her day.  What you need to know is that our new addition is almost entirely windows - she was getting quite the show on the way over (it's amazing how many of those dances have you jiggling your personals).  Oh well.  Pride goeth before a fall and I'm not about to fall off this wagon. nosiree.

I'll get there, and I know it will be worth it, but sheesh this is wearing on me. If it weren't for friends and my FB support folks, I'd have given up last week. But I can't let them or me down... besides, I am NOT going to become diabetic and hypertensive like my parents!  And I need to teach my daughter how to make good choices... so there you are.  I am. Determined... and slightly embarrassed.

Week two...down. Week 3 begins

Well, at least next week is another week!

After a crazy week of work and cleaning in preparation for my Uncle's visit, I'm pooped.  And for some weird reason, my cheeks are pink - I look like I got into some red wine, but I didn't.

Dinner wasn't as good as I hoped.  The dang chicken and root veggies took a LOT longer to cook than they should have, so we ate late; and the veggies were still a little on the firm side.  Pooh!  I'm the type to obsess about such things, wonder what they said in the car on the way back, fear they'll never come again type.  What I need to do is get over myself.  We had a great time talking and laughing and eating.  So what if dinner sucked.  Beeee the honeybadger...

So enough stalling... I only lost 1/2 lb.  But I didn't gain, and I expected a smaller number.  A whole number would have been nicer, but hopefully this is the kick in the ass to remind me not to mess around.

Time is not my friend here - I cannot procrastinate on this.  This challenge and journey I'm on is one of those things that if I put off the exercise or water-drinking for another day, I lose out and don't get that day back.  THAT is going to be the hard part.  I am a WORLD -Class procrastinator.  Especially on tasks that either a. don't have my passion, or b. might be a little on the challenging side.

Yup, I'm a wuss.  chicken. namby-pamby.  I hate challenges.  And yes, I fight chronic laziness.  I'm sure there are shrinks out there who will find a reason for this behavior and will tell me that once I can name it, I can feel better about it.  But see, for me, I'd use that knowlege to find excuses.  So, I will be motivated by my friends and family who want to see me succeed at this and are depending on me for inspiration and encouragement. Pooh on fear!

Oh, and I've decided that as a family we will eat dinner earlier - every little bit helps.  Now back to crunching on my raw cauliflower and broccoli.

Yikes!

Ok, it's been a crazy, rough, but good week.  I won't even get into the craziness at work right now, but that's another post.

Yikes, date with the scale tomorrow morning.  I really haven't been as good this week as I had hoped.  Sorely lacking on the veggies.  It will be interesting to see just how big a difference that makes.

On the up-side, I've been an angel about eating breakfast.  I've been keeping to within 200 cal give and take of my target intake.  Have NOT been good about intentional exercise, however, a good cleaning of the house, and generally moving around more, shopping walking farther, etc... hopefully will work in my favor.  I've been using sugar free gum in the afternoon to combat those damned 3:00 munchies - Orange creme pop flavored... I'm going to have to go for something different next week, it's beginning to get old.

I have no great expectations tomorrow - I'm beginning to feel the "habitual" awareness of my intake already.  I always think twice about what I'm putting in my mouth now, I am aware of how much or how little I am moving around.  And I don't expect more than a pound, or less.  But I'm doing what I said I was going to - just not eating my veggies as much this week.

Next week will be better.  I promise.

Oh, and I got the coolest compliment from a co-worker - "have you lost anymore weight?" your face looks different, in a good way."

Gotta love working at the museum... more on that later.

Oh, Geez, gotta get home and get dinner ready... my favorite uncle is coming to visit.  I only get to see him once every 4 or 5 years - I'm so psyched!  More on that later too!

WOW!!!!

OK!! 1 down - 19 to go... and no, I'm not talking about Doctor's visits. But yes, that's over...

When I started this, my goal was to lose 5 lbs.  And I have succeeded!! Whoohooo!!! 5lbs in one week - take that biggest loser!!
It's time to celebrate!!  Raw Cauliflower all around!!!!  I know that the following weeks won't see such drama, but what a start!  Oh, and I've decided that for every pound I lose I'm putting $5 in an unbreakable jar so that when I'm finished I'll have LOTS of money to buy some kickin' outfits.

Ok, so what did the Doctor say?  Well, their scale is 1/2 pound lighter than mine, so if I wanted to I could say I lost 5 1/2 lbs... but I'm sticking with 5.  He was happy I was going to lose weight and approved of my methodology.

Aside from the fun of the pelvic exam, it went well.  On the bad side, the ankle might take another month or so to heal.  The kind of sprain I have apparently can take up to 4 months to heal. Hooray.

So, basically, it was uneventful.  What was I so freaked out about?  Ahhh... the unknown again.  Now I know.  Big deal.  I really need to work on my fear of the unknown.  Talk about ridiculous.

So, all in all a good day was had by all.

Ok... I am NOT nervous...

Well, yes, yes, I am. 

Tomorrow is D-day.  in more ways than one.

I sheduled a doctor's appointment for a checkup aeons ago - and now it's here.  Ugh.  I haven't been to the doctors' office since my burns in 06 - well, unless you count the two years of care I received at John's Hopkins Burn center.  I have the release papers - '08.  September '08.  I spent enough time with doctors for tests and checks and being looked at and looked over to last me a lifetime.

But, here I am.  and I am... freaking scared.  I know I've gained weight since the last time I was there - over 7 years ago.  And I can tell you how much.  20 lbs.  But see, last time I was there, it was to get checked out before starting a weight-loss program.  THAT really worked didn't it?

And I know, because I know the type of doctor that he is, he's going to send me to the usual round up of specialists.  He told me to last time, and while I was beginning that wonderful process I got burned and put all of that on hold...

So, let's make this a guessing game.  PAP, yep, gettting that taken care of at the office tomorrow - whoopee... Now for the ones I'm going to have to make with specialists:

Cardiologist
Mamogram
Gastroeterologist - oh yea... that colonoscopy sounds like so much fun
what am I missing? there's a couple more I know...

Oh yea, let's see both my parents are diabetic so I'm guessing the Endocrinologist.

Then, hmmm... I'm thinking lots of sun exposure would grant me a visit to the dermatologist

My allergies might buy me a ticket to the allergist.

I think I'll stop there... one more "ist" and I'll lose it.

The other reason that I'm dreading tomorrow is that it's one week since I began the process of ditching the fat suit.  That means weigh-in.  THAT scares me.  Not because of the number... hell, I've lived with high numbers for many years.  But for what it might do to me.  I've been trying.  I've been drinking my water, counting my calories and logging whatever goes into my mouth... heck, I've even been keeping track of my activities.  If that damn scale hasn't budged it may be very, very depressing for me.  If this week was this hard and nothing happened, why the heck would I keep it up?

Oh, yea because I don't want to have to visit the bariatric surgeon....

So here we go... again.

Someone said there are no pics of me... here you go

 My second favorite past-time... snuggling...

 Christmas morning last year...

I'm the one on the Far right

Ok, problem remedied

Yesterday's problem of no munchies has been remedied.  I stopped on the way home and picked up a veggie tray, bagged salad, cauliflour, and cheezits bags - 90 cal per bag.  Sometimes you just gotta have something a little bready.  It was absolute torture on the way home - I really wanted to just grab something and chew my way to the house.  But I didn't.  I waited.  When I got home, I put the groceries away, grabbed some carrots and a little (I mean little) dip and went to town.  My goal is to eliminate the dip within a week or two.  But for now, I'm happy I didn't go for the candy or chips.

One thing I've learned about myself is that if I feel I'm denying myself of something I want, I will eat everything in sight to make up for it.  I'm working on that - a friend reminded me, that every time I want something bad for me, I have to think to myself, which do I want more, the yummy or to ditch the fat suit.  That helps.  A bit.

Another thing I am forcing myself to do, which I hate above all things (well, next to sweating and the activities that produce sweat) is breakfast.  I have never been a breakfast person, unless it's on the weekend and accompanied by large quantities of bacon. 

So, this morning we are delving into a lovely container of non fat black cherry greek yogurt.  I wish I could say I'm enjoying it, but I'm not.  Every spoonful is like a penance for the bad things I've done.  But, as much as it disgusts me, the fat suit disgusts me more... so on and on I spoon this weird goo into my body.  It looks like silly putty.  People actually LIKE this stuff???  No wonder why greeks are so emotional!

At any rate, I can look forward to a tastier lunch.  Tomato soup.  At least that is something I like.  So, I guess in order to ditch the fat suit, I'll take the good with the bad.

On to exercise.  My friend, the trainer, also has been feeding me these exercises to do.  Mostly arms, since I'm still dealing with that dang ankle.  I just hope to God that none of my co-workers walks in on me when I'm doing my thrice daily arm circles or bat waves.  They'll sick the white coats on me for sure.  It's not too bad if you don't take into account the weirdness factor.  The human body is a bizarre thing, and the more I'm focusing on this body of mine, the weirder it seems.  Bat waves are actually fun... I can count how many times my under-the-arm wobbles move each time I lift and lower my arms.  (Ok I admit I'm easily amused). 

I'm more than a little fearful of what's coming down the pike for my next exercises, but hey, this is an adventure, right?

Three o'clock munchies

Why the heck didn't I think to bring something to work that would be munchy and healthy?  I did good on breakfast, substituted a glass of tea for water,I'm walking, in spite of a sprained ankle.  And yet, idiot me risks a pretty good day by not having something crunchy and healthy to snack on.
Time to hit the store and pick up some carrot sticks and something more healthy than the crackers I've been eyeing.  Better planning for tomorrow I hope.

Day 1 - shopping

I'm feeling very proud of myself.  Went to weggies this morning and had a seriously fun time picking out weird veggies to cook up into some very different meals than we're used to.  I think I can do this.

What the hell is a rutabaga anyways?

Me and the Doctor

It's now past 1300 on Friday the 13th.  D-Day.  Why, oh why did I say I was going to do this?

Sigh.  It must have been the derranged skinny person who lives inside me.  She's been knocking.  She's been trying to get out for a while.  I love her.  I hate her.  I AM her.   I'm still not sure I want to do this, but as I've said before it's time.

As I type I'm remembering a Dr. Who episode (David Tennant, thank you very much) where the Doctor had placed the time-lord part of himself inside a watch and the person that was left was human, and didn't even remember that he was "The Doctor".  At the end of the show, the human had to decide whether to let the Doctor back out of the watch, essentially killing the human dreams and life he could have had; or to give the time-lord/watch to the bad guys and live out his life as a human. The agony and the angst that he went through making that decision mirror the feelings and fears that I'm wrestling with at the moment.

I am at the crossroads.  Am I really going to do this - killing the comfortable, non-risk taking, squishy and content me?  Am I ready to log what I eat? am I ready to not eat the not-good-for-me yummies that taste so good?  Or am I going to give that watch away and live life as a sofa?

I'll admit it. I'm scared. Really scared.  That down-deep in the pit of your stomach and whirling around your brain scared.  The kind of scared that makes your arms numb.  Yea.  THAT scared -- the scared that's usually reserved for really big screw-ups at work, or you left your FB page open for your mother to read.  The bizarre thing is, I'm not really sure why.

I'm not afraid of change, so that can't be it.  I'm not afraid of exercise - I don't like it, but I've done it before.  I'm not afraid of healthy food - I actually like it.  Why the hell am I so scared?

Maybe, just maybe, it's the thing that I'm terrified of more than anything else in the world...the unknown.  I would have never made a good companion to the Doctor.   The thought of walking out of the tardis into an unknown world would paralyze me. I have to know what's coming, where I'm going, what's going to happen next.  And I don't know what's going to happen: will I succeed? will it be hard? will I have problems? how bad is it going to be? how will I fit this in my schedule?

I am NOT one of those people who can say, one day at a time.  I need to see what's coming down the pike.  I abhor the unknown.

Deep Breath... in.. and out.... in... and out...  ok.  feeling a bit better now.  I've faced scary things before - life-flight, career changes, childrearing.  I CAN do this. and I will.

Little steps at a time, and lots of breathing.

It's time

Well, I've been thinking about it for years, talking about it for almost as long, but I have finally named it.  I am wearing a fat suit.  The me inside is thinner, healthier and more beautiful.  But this damn fat suit keeps me wearing "fat clothes" and keeps the world from seeing the real me.

This may not seem like much to most of the world, but the naming of this revelation is huge for me.  I've always felt it and tried to describe it, but words never quite did my situation justice.  And then one day, chatting with a friend, it came to me... The fat suit. 

The fat suit is a shell, covering my true interior, hiding the precious me inside.  It crept up on me and enveloped me and I did nothing to stop it.  Ok, I admit it, I am lazy and undisciplined - I've known this forever.  But what I didn't realize was the effect that my laziness and lack of discipline would have on my appearance.  I'm sick of looking in the mirror and peering deeply to see if perhaps some semblance of the old me is still there... yup, it is.  But it is hidden so far inside this awful shell that it takes some time to see it.

In my head, I'm still the same.  I'm a size 10, longish hair, fairly decent features (although my nose is a bit too big for my taste) and intense eyes.  To the outside world, I'm a size 22 with a square face, more chins than I care to count and those same intense eyes.  My nose is a little less prominant with a bigger face, but it's still pretty good sized.  Oh, and those damn wrinkles, ugh!  They have been my companions for many moons now and will continue to be - but them, I can live with - the fat suit, no longer!

It has taken me years to come to this point.  Years of pining, and wishing and imagining that I'm my old self again.  None of which have done anything to get rid of the fat suit surrounding me.  Sigh.

The only thing that there is left to do is work at getting rid of this thing.  Jesus, I wish I could just unzip it and step out of it - but that ain't gonna happen.  I want to go back to wearing fantastic clothes and turning heads as I walk confidently down the street - without Sciatica and Plantar Faschiaitis as my constant companions.  I want to go back to walking in a store, picking something up off the rack and looking at it thinking how wonderful it will look on me - not "will it cover my stomach rolls enough?"

And so, with my desire for change finally stronger than my comfort in the status quo, I'm ready to begin.  I have friends who will support me and guide me on my way.  I'm fully aware of the changes that I will need to make.  I will have to start logging what I eat, exercizing regularly and eating healthier foods.  It sounds innocuous enough  - but to me, well, you might as well be asking me to scale Mount Kilamonjaro. Naked. In the winter. Carrying Orson Wells on my back.

But, it's time.  And so, as I prepare to begin a different way of life, I am bidding adieu to many of my favorite foods - oh, not permenantly, but at least the joy of guiltlessly eating them.  Tuesday, it was KFC.  Tonight, oh, joy! Bacon Pizza. Next will have to be chicken wings. Yes, definitely chicken wings... Finally, Chinese and Five guys (oh my how those guys can cook).  Oh, don't worry  Five guys -- I will occasionally partake, but for me it won't be without consequence.  I will endure extra workouts, less at another meal, there are ways...   But for now, I'm enjoying these treats with all of the exuberance of a child who has discovered their first hot fudge sunday.

I've chosen Friday the 13th as the first day of my new journey - appropriate, no?  And so with a week to go, I prepare: finding sneakers, looking up and preparing food logger, ridding the house of treats, and yes, savoring every last morsel of guilt free pleasure that I have deemed as a few of my favorite things.  It's a mixture of pleasure and pain, you know.  I'm so excited that I will finally be on the road to shedding the fat suit, and so sad and scared about what it's going to take to get to that point.

As I've said, I have friends to help me along the path, and they are a consolation and a joy and a help.  But the reality is - this has got to come from me.  It's all me - no one can choose what I put in my mouth, no one can get me out of bed to work out before everybody else gets up, and no one, not anyone can take away my determination.